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Why am I so lonely in SL?


AliciaMarieJames
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In nearly two years of SL, most of my time spent was either looking at my door or at shopping events or stores while making only two friends.

Nearly every group I've been in... or every sim I've been on has always made me feel lonely whether it's an adult group/sim or not.

It's obvious that I can't create stuff... even a simple tattoo; and all I know how to do is make outfits and shop while everyone else is able to make stuff and enjoy themselves.

I just don't know what to do in SL anymore :smileysad:

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It could be something more.  I can only speak for myself, but, SL turned into a chance for me to find why I was having so many social problems in RL as well.  I found I can feel 'lonely' around my closest and best of firends.  But, what I was perceiving as lonliness was actually anxiety.  Once I started addressing the anxiety, things improved for me greatly. (^_^)

As for being creative:  I pretty much contend that I can't create anything either.  But, people tend to tell me I'm creative.  So, the closest I can come to in my mind is that I probably am able to create, I'm just not happy with the outcome.  Still working on that. (>_<)

Now, not saying "go away" or "leave SL"... But, do what's fun even if SL isn't part of it.  Try search.  Think of keywords for things you like a lot.  Pop those keywords into search and see what comes of it.  If you don't find anything, there's a chance that SL may not be within your interests.  My own example is my early days in SL were spent searching for things like "anime", "moe", "cute", "pantsu", and probably most other words used as tags on Gelbooru.  From that, I found people I easily got along with, places which really targeted my interests, and plenty of good reasons to log back in every day. (^_^)

SL can be anything if not very revealing.  Look for what you want, work with what you get, and find a way to make it your own. (^_^)y

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 I came in sl in 2007, it was all new and i travelled around to all the shops.

Got my own house, furnished it, got lots of toys, jets skis, helecopters  ,boats.I was having a ball all by myself.

Then i got a freind in RL to join, i only knew her from flickr.

Then i got another friend to join and we became very close and have been together for 8 years now.

In that time i learned to make skins, make clothes.,opened many shops, and in all that time i had my own private homestead, we live down below, my shops are 3000 ft up so we still have our privacy.

I think if you go to dances or clubs where there usually are a lot of avys you might meet some friends,not sure what you are looking for, a freind or more than that

But i will say if i did not have my love ,and the time we spend every day, i think i would find SL lonely too

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AliciaMarieJames wrote: [...] Nearly every group I've been in... or every sim I've been on has always made me feel lonely whether it's an adult group / sim or not. [...]


I don’t know of any group or region specifically designed to make its visitors feel lonely; a few may be moody in nature, but I haven’t seen any who’d keep sending to every visiting resident messages like “you’re alone in the world... nobody cares about you... other people around you are just illusions...”; not for anything, it’d just defeat the purpose of creating it in the first place, because few -if any- would stay long enough to bother.

Now, yes, the previous paragraph was a bit ironic, but it was also to point out a fact: groups and sims really aren’t designed to make anyone feel lonely, so if you do feel that way, why do you think that is? What happens when you go there? When you engage in the conversations taking place there, are you somehow ignored even if your contributions are just as relevant as those of the rest? Or, if no one is talking at the moment, do you begin a conversation (either in open chat or with someone in IM) and, when you do that, you are consistently ignored without any discernible reason?

If you do all those things and are, in fact, ignored, do try telling us a few examples of how you try to engage in conversation, perhaps we can help you pointing out possible reasons for the apparent lack of reaction of others.

And if you do none of those things and are one of those who essentially wait passively for others to talk to them, maybe it’s time for you to realize that that “feelig of loneliness” is far more the result of your own choices than the nature of the world around you.

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Ren Toxx wrote:

I don’t know of any group or region specifically designed to make its visitors feel lonely; a few may be moody in nature, but I haven’t seen any who’d keep sending to every visiting resident messages like 
“you’re alone in the world... nobody cares about you... other people around you are just illusions...”
; not for anything, it’d just defeat the purpose of creating it in the first place, because few -if any- would stay long enough to bother.

Now, yes, the previous paragraph was a bit ironic, but it was also to point out a fact: groups and sims 
really
aren’t designed to make anyone feel lonely, so if you do feel that way, why do you think that is? What happens when you go there? When you engage in the conversations taking place there, are you somehow ignored even if your contributions are just as relevant as those of the rest? Or, if no one is talking at the moment, do 
you
begin a conversation (either in open chat or with someone in IM) and, when you do that, you are consistently ignored without any discernible reason?

If you do all those things and are, in fact, ignored, do try telling us a few examples of how you try to engage in conversation, perhaps we can help you pointing out possible reasons for the apparent lack of reaction of others.

And if you do none of those things and are one of those who essentially wait passively for others to talk to them, maybe it’s time for you to realize that that “feelig of loneliness” is far more the result of your own choices than the nature of the world around you.

I do talk, however... you forget one vital element of a group which is inclusiveness.  There are people in active groups who stick to those they know and keep everyone else at arms length.

Take me for instance, I'm shy and quiet... I get that.  I don't do over-the-top in anything.  I'm a wallflower and a home body most of the time in SL.  I've joined groups in the past and for some reason or another, I don't feel apart of the group.  Right now, I feel the way I do because I can't do squat in SL but shop and make outfits and the feeling of loneliness I get when I join a group... only to leave seconds later due to it being quiet, non-inclusive or dead.  So, basically... that leaves me without any groups to join or friends to make.

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AliciaMarieJames wrote:


Ren Toxx wrote:

I don’t know of any group or region specifically designed to make its visitors feel lonely; a few may be moody in nature, but I haven’t seen any who’d keep sending to every visiting resident messages like 
“you’re alone in the world... nobody cares about you... other people around you are just illusions...”
; not for anything, it’d just defeat the purpose of creating it in the first place, because few -if any- would stay long enough to bother.

Now, yes, the previous paragraph was a bit ironic, but it was also to point out a fact: groups and sims 
really
aren’t designed to make anyone feel lonely, so if you do feel that way, why do you think that is? What happens when you go there? When you engage in the conversations taking place there, are you somehow ignored even if your contributions are just as relevant as those of the rest? Or, if no one is talking at the moment, do 
you
begin a conversation (either in open chat or with someone in IM) and, when you do that, you are consistently ignored without any discernible reason?

If you do all those things and are, in fact, ignored, do try telling us a few examples of how you try to engage in conversation, perhaps we can help you pointing out possible reasons for the apparent lack of reaction of others.

And if you do none of those things and are one of those who essentially wait passively for others to talk to them, maybe it’s time for you to realize that that “feelig of loneliness” is far more the result of your own choices than the nature of the world around you.

I do talk, however... you forget one vital element of a group which is inclusiveness.  There are people in active groups who stick to those they know and keep everyone else at arms length.

Take me for instance, I'm shy and quiet... I get that.  I don't do over-the-top in anything.  I'm a wallflower and a home body most of the time in SL.  I've joined groups in the past and for some reason or another, I don't feel apart of the group.  Right now, I feel the way I do because I can't do squat in SL but shop and make outfits and the feeling of loneliness I get when I join a group...
only to leave seconds later
due to it being quiet, non-inclusive or dead.  So, basically... that leaves me without any groups to join or friends to make.

How do you expect anyone to get to know you if you "leave seconds later" because you don't get what you want immediately?

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SL is getting long in the tooth, as are many of its residents (she says while waving her hands). It might be harder now to meet people with the interest and bandwidth to reciprocate than it was seven years ago when I joined. As Pamela suggests, you may find better fishing at places that attract new people, people who need help. Show people reasons to stay in SL and you'll be a reason they stay in SL. They've not yet had time to join groups and establish friendships that occupy their time.

If you feel stymied by an inability to create (which is different than an apathy for creation), attend building classes at someplace like Helping Haven. Whether you are helping someone who needs it, or learning amongst others who share your interest, there is potential in such situations for the making of accidental friendships. Those are the best kind.

And be persistent. If you invest nothing, you can't expect much of a return.

As for shopping and making outfits, that's only "can't do squat" if you look like I do after a half hour of putting myself together before heading out to dinner in RL. I envy people who clean up well.

;-).

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Theresa Tennyson wrote:

How do you expect anyone to get to know you if you "leave seconds later" because you don't get what you want immediately?


I leave because of the fact that I most likely had second guessed myself; and BTW... I like to feel the group out before anything else.  Why do you assume that I leave because I "don't get what I want".  People leave groups for a myriad of reasons.  Don't ever assume people leave groups just because they don't get what they want.

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AliciaMarieJames wrote:

I do talk, however... you forget one vital element of a group which is inclusiveness.  There are people in active groups who stick to those they know and keep everyone else at arms length.

Take me for instance, I'm shy and quiet... I get that.  I don't do over-the-top in anything.  I'm a wallflower and a home body most of the time in SL.  I've joined groups in the past and for some reason or another, I don't feel apart of the group.  Right now, I feel the way I do because I can't do squat in SL but shop and make outfits and the feeling of loneliness I get when I join a group... only to leave seconds later due to it being quiet, non-inclusive or dead.  So, basically... that leaves me without any groups to join or friends to make.

Yes, I’m aware that people (either in groups or sims) aren’t universally perfect in the “inclusiveness department”. Do notice, however, that I say “people”... meaning, basically, “the rest of the world”. And I think you’ll agree that changing the whole world’s attitude isn’t an easy task; realistically, you only have the power to change yours.

Of course, changing yourself would be pointless if “the rest of the world” were absolutely non-inclusive, because then no one would ever be... “included anywhere”, no matter what. But that’s clearly not true; people are included (perhaps not everyone, everywhere, always, but it does happen); people do engage in conversations with others, which sometimes makes them feel as “part of the group”; and people do make friends. It happens; it’s not even a question now of how much or how little, the fact still is, it does happen.

Therefore, the possibility exists, which takes us back to what can you make -on your end- to make it happen. Based on your answers and reactions so far I could’ve guessed that you’re not interested in how to make it happen, or even discussing the issue at all... except that the very title of your thread, and in fact the only part explicitly posed as a question, is “Why am I so lonely in SL?”. So unless you were actually just asking the question to be told the cause but not any solutions (or unless it was just a rethorical question, and not an actual one), I have to understand that you really want to know how, not merely why.

 

Let me put it this way, Alicia. I, too, often go to places, or read in groups, without participating at all. And since I don’t, it’s quite rare that people talk to me in these situations, and therefore I, too, don’t feel quite “included”. What I don’t do, however, is to regret that I feel that way... and I don’t do that because I’m fully aware that it was my own choice not to do much, if anything at all, towards being “included”. Much less do I blame “the others”, or think that there’s anything particularly wrong with them (even if there was with some of them, but then again, no one’s perfect). And you know how I know that? Because the instances where *I* stepped forward and participated in whatever conversation or activity was going on, I was included; there was no mysterious “bubble of isolation” somehow put by someone around me that would make my efforts vain. I simply talked, and I was answered to. I talked some more, and soon I was engaged in lively conversation with some people; and some of those people, after several such conversations, became friends.

And believe me, I’m not particularly skilled at anything, including socialization. I simply never loose sight of the fact that, to make it happen, *I* have to make it happen. And if and when I don’t do that, I own my choice and the consequences. I don’t blame the world for its faults, at least not before I acknowledge mine and try doing something about them to see if it improves my situation with “the world” somehow.

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Ren Toxx wrote:


 

Let me put it this way, Alicia. I, too, often go to places, or read in groups, without participating at all. And since I don’t, it’s quite rare that people talk to me in these situations, and therefore I, too, don’t feel quite “included”. What I 
don’t
do, however, is to regret that I feel that way... and I don’t do that because I’m fully aware that it was my own choice 
not
to do much, if anything at all, towards being “included”. Much less do I blame “the others”, or think that there’s anything particularly wrong with them (even if there was with some of them, but then again, no one’s perfect). And you know how I know that? Because the instances where *I* stepped forward and participated in whatever conversation or activity was going on, I 
was
included; there was no mysterious “bubble of isolation” somehow put by someone around me that would make my efforts vain. I simply talked, and I was answered to. I talked some more, and soon I was engaged in lively conversation with some people; and some of those people, after several such conversations, became friends.

And believe me, I’m not particularly skilled at anything, including socialization. I simply never loose sight of the fact that, to make it happen, *I* have to make it happen. And if and when I don’t do that, I own my choice and the consequences. I don’t blame the world for its faults, at least not before I acknowledge mine and try doing something about them to see if it improves my situation with “the world” somehow.

Very well put!  Should be a sticky, we get so many of these kinds of posts. It's really basic Making Friends 101.

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William Wordsworth must have felt the same way about Second Life when he was alpha testing it back in the 19th century:

"I wandered lonely as a cloud . . . "

[Obviously, there were problems with the avatar rezzing properly in those days too.]

[He was a founder member of the LGBT community too: "A poet could not but be gay . . . "]

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Hi Alicia,

                  i'm Harumi.First. I want to apologies if my English writing. Is not my natural tongue. I'm in Sl since 2007. i'm not creative at all. i'm soo lazy for that!. I prefer go on my shopping quest instead! I always amazed for the creations of the clothing designers!.I have my own home parcel. Love to spend time to decorate it!. Well i had many homes because i like to move time to time.Like  to explore a lot!. Like to explore those sims that are a replica of historical ones in Rl. Like the  Rome, Egypt,Japan. that give you and idea how was in that era. Or for example, i never been to Europe. There replicas sims that give an idea.Like Paris,Florence,Dublin. That details are amazing!. i'm now learning how sail in SL. About the friends. I meet them at the beach,at clubs.Love to dance!.I'm join the club's group to keep updated about their events. See.? There is so much to do in Sl!

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AliciaMarieJames wrote:

I give up... I just give up :smileysad:

I think this more than anything is the cause for your loneliness. 

If you ask a question and get quite a few serious helpful responses and ignore them and give up, you will always be lonely. I was very lonely for a long time. One day I decided to open the map and randomly teleport to places. After about an hour of this, and saving LM for some beautiful places, I came across a sim that was full of people that were just chatting away. They were very welcoming and i am still part of that group many years later.  If you can not even crack your wallflower shell or allow others to try, you will forever be alone.

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Drake1 Nightfire wrote:


AliciaMarieJames wrote:

I give up... I just give up :smileysad:

I think this more than anything is the cause for your loneliness. 

If you ask a question and get quite a few serious helpful responses and ignore them and give up, you will always be lonely. I was very lonely for a long time. One day I decided to open the map and randomly teleport to places. After about an hour of this, and saving LM for some beautiful places, I came across a sim that was full of people that were just chatting away. They were very welcoming and i am still part of that group many years later.  If you can not even crack your wallflower shell or allow others to try, you will forever be alone.

I am with Drake on this one. It seem Alicia chooses to be lonely and also likes to show it that way.

The 'I give up' in this thread demonstrates it. I, for one, would by now not even want to meet her anymore. Drama in the making.

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Caitlin Tobias wrote:


Drake1 Nightfire wrote:


AliciaMarieJames wrote:

I give up... I just give up :smileysad:

I think this more than anything is the cause for your loneliness. 

If you ask a question and get quite a few serious helpful responses and ignore them and give up, you will always be lonely. I was very lonely for a long time. One day I decided to open the map and randomly teleport to places. After about an hour of this, and saving LM for some beautiful places, I came across a sim that was full of people that were just chatting away. They were very welcoming and i am still part of that group many years later.  If you can not even crack your wallflower shell or allow others to try, you will forever be alone.

I am with Drake on this one. It seem Alicia chooses to be lonely and also likes to show it that way.

The 'I give up' in this thread demonstrates it. I, for one, would by now not even want to meet her anymore. Drama in the making.

Also, people who come here to announce their difficulty making friends almost invariably have profiles that would make sure no one would ever want to be friends with them. 

 

 

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