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Why a guy would play as a girl in SL


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I would just like to put it out there that not all guys playing girl avatars are looking to get their rocks off but for some that assumption is well deserved from what I have seen. I play a girl in SL for many reasons. The main one is, as a guy the way my brain is wired up seems more the female than male. As a girl in SL I feel at ease without stereotypical gender roles being forced on me.

I enjoy the company of women as friends and like shopping, doing up my avi and the pink feminine things girls like and enjoy and find it liberating. In the real world would love to be able to have girls as friends but it’s just not practical for many reasons even though an extra marital affair would be unlikely from my end. In SL I am free from the prejudices, constraints and social norms of being a guy which for a short time is a relief and I can just be who I am. In RL I wouldn’t look good in a pink butterfly shirt but in SL I do, even though if I could get away with it I would wear one RL because menswear is so boring but that’s not happening lol.

As much as I would love to keep it a secret that I am a guy I found so many people are lonely and looking for love I always reveal it with friends fairly quickly so they don’t get the wrong idea or be disappointed. The hope is they accept me but some don’t because they can’t deal with SL not mirroring RL in other people even if it is a fantasyland where you can be anything you choose.

 I have a strict plutonic relationship rule in world that has never been broken unless you count trying pose balls with someone for amusement as a meaningful relationship. This does not mean I am gay or do it for kinky reasons which is often an assumption people make and nothing could be further from the truth. What fulfils me is being girly, free to express emotion and being nice to other people and hopefully getting that in return.

When I first joined I shouldn’t have had that glass of wine at naming time thinking I will change that name later. Everything else I could think of wouldn't work with the stock Linden last names so for 8 years I have lived with an embarrassing name that sounds like a cheap hooker for my favourite Avi. I made a lot of close friends I thought I would let down if I got another account with a more sensible name so I just kept it and especially once I had spent some money it was out of the question to cancel it.

My first inclination when I joined was to try to be a girl out of curiosity and probably a slight attraction to my avatar once I got past the ugly Ruth stage. After getting past new player silliness I began to realise this is what you are in your mind thanks the chance to explore femininity freely and going back to a guy was awkward and very boring. I do have a guy alt but that is only for other people that need to see a guy for whatever reason.

Seeing how open everyone is on the forum about themselves I thought I would put this here too for no other reason than to help break the stereotype I often hear about this that it’s all about getting off sexually for everyone. It's more a matching of brain gender for many people.

Iwould love to hear how others feel about this.

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There are many reasons why guys play female chairacters in sl. Some are sexual and some are not. I think a big part of it is there are far more things in sl/mp for women avis then for men. Female avis get the better outfits, and animations. There is the to attract women aspect of it also. I have seen in some of the Trans/LGBT clubs where that has happend. As for having an afair goes, that is up to the individual. I say if you are going to do that, be hounest from the begaining. 

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I have a lot of friends who are gender and avatar fluid in SL, and I think it's really strange when people demand that you have to prove who you are via voice to be friends with them.

Many people recreate themselves to a large extent in SL, even if just making themselves fit their idea of beauty, but some want everyone they know to fit their ideal as well. I feel like they are missing out on some wonderful people and rich experiences.  I suspect that a lot of people are only looking for romantic relationships, and so they require all their 'friends' to qualify for a romantic relationship.  

It's not just gender, though, but I've had people ask me if I play a human all the time, because they only wanted friends that had human avatars. Or human mesh avatars. Why couldn't people be a giant flying beetle if they want to be one? I get people that come through my residential sim and ask if everyone is human, and when I say no, some of the vehement responses are really surprising.

I use voice sometimes, but I generally refuse people who ask me to voice to prove my identity. I figure they aren't worth having as a friend, and I don't get involved in romantic relationships unless I know someone IRL. My good friends in SL have been my friends for many years, and they play different genders, races, and sizes, even changing from day to day. 

 

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I have two separate accounts, this one which reflects my actual gender, and another that is a woman. It's very refreshing to hear some else express the idea that it isn't about the sex. I find I can be much more creative with my look as a female and being creative is a big part of why I do SL in the first place. 

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Yeah there is defiantly a greater range of avatar components made for women. What people don't get is being a guy RL usually involves toughening up, suppressing emotion and getting on with the job and sometimes doing things that don't fit who you really are to fulfil your gender role and duties you must fulfil as a boss, father, provider, protector, and comrade to other men. For a lot of guys I can see they are hiding it and would love the freedom to be more like women are with their emotions without the fear of being judged unfavourably for it by other guys which is what sometimes happens. SL instantly breaks down all the societal norms and role expectations your born into for a while and allows exploration of who you really are.

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Christin73 wrote:

There are many reasons why guys play female chairacters in sl. Some are sexual and some are not. I think a big part of it is there are far more things in sl/mp for women avis then for men. Female avis get the better outfits, and animations. There is the to attract women aspect of it also. I have seen in some of the Trans/LGBT clubs where that has happend. As for having an afair goes, that is up to the individual. I say if you are going to do that, be hounest from the begaining. 

Pretty much nailed it. This is my first time trying to be a male avi, and there's hardly anything good for them.

 

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Chardonnay, that is completely accurate. Online and in-person shopping (not in SL; I mean general shopping) typically turns in way higher numbers for female clothing vs male clothing for same/similar items. It's a fact of modern life in western civilization (and I know it's true in some non-western ones as well, especially in Asia, but my personal experience there is rather limited).

Your attitude about gender and what your choices say about you in particular I find very appealing. Needless to say (since I'm a t-girl) you won't get any arguments from me. I predict a long and interesting SL for you. And since you have a last name the 'long' is already accomplished. ;-)

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chardonay Babii wrote:

Yeah there is defiantly a greater range of avatar components made for women. What people don't get is being a guy RL usually involves toughening up, suppressing emotion and getting on with the job and sometimes doing things that don't fit who you really are to fulfil your gender role and duties you must fulfil as a boss, father, provider, protector, and comrade to other men. For a lot of guys I can see they are hiding it and would love the freedom to be more like women are with their emotions without the fear of being judged unfavourably for it by other guys which is what sometimes happens. SL instantly breaks down all the societal norms and role expectations your born into for a while and allows exploration of who you really are.

Through no fault of my own, and certainly not by intent, I became the provider for and protector of not just my immediate family but two households, in which I am the only person employed full time. (One other adult is on disability, the other works part time.)  I too have had to toughen up, suppress emotion, and get on with the job, but I don't think of these as manly. To me, that is just what Real Women do, and have always done. 

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That's obviously not a question I am going to be able to answer, Perrie, but I like the way you re-phrased it. It's a very valid question. We humans appear to have a very common tendency to mix traits (that are commonly defined as gender-related) between genders. Males can and do have tendencies in some areas that are commonly associated with females. The reverse is true, as well. 

The physical difference is far less fluid: males are bigger and bulkier. Obviously not EVERY SINGLE TIME but there's no question it's a general rule (not a generalization). (There are also a wide range of traits that our particular culture (I'm speaking of mine—I'm in the United States) assigns to certain genders that are mostly cultural hogwash. That discussion probably is too long to get into here.)

Getting back to this discussion, tendencies vary. Torley Linden is maybe the most well-known avatar that switches genders and he's entirely upfront about it (as in, no alts: one login name, male or female avatar). He has called it a chance to hear/use his "female voice" (no, he didn't mean using Voice), an expression I found pretty insightful. In others of us, it can vary. From my own experience in talking to RL transgenders, the drive varies greatly. I've known some who were absolutely driven to lose their masculine physicality—they considered themselves females born with the wrong body. They hated what they were (imagine living your life hating the actual fact of your gender). I hope that all of those made it through. For all the rest, the female drive* varies: from crossdressers who do their best to appear feminine but never go any further than that, to those who gradually become more and more feminine via hormonal treatment and eventually undergo the surgery.

It seems logical (even if we did not have the ready evidence of SL and other online places) that the feminine 'voice' exists in human males generally. That the strength varies between where it is in me (I would be considered at the low end of the transgender scale) and zero. Plenty of males are going to be somewhere in that range, maybe most.

 

*I have not spoken of female-to-male transgenders because I have precious little first-hand knowledge. I've chatted online with one or two but I never really got to know any of them. They do exist. Their public numbers don't compare to mtf, but that proves nada.

 

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One of the biggest barriers I have found to the gender switch is the lonely people looking for love or a good time which is commonplace with in world interaction, are disappointed if I am propositioned.  The problem is If I fulfil the role of a girl and dance with a guy/girl, there’s no attraction on my part with guys but I am just being nice and he may have his/her hopes up and its really living a lie and for them it’s a letdown.  This is the area I am REALLY careful to avoid not being upfront.  This is where it gets complicated and spoils my fun a bit.

All the other areas of Femininity are fine like shopping, friends with guys and girls as long as they know. I am grateful when I find friends that let me be myself. Living as a girl is fun except for that bit.

 

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chardonay Babii wrote:

Yeah there is defiantly a greater range of avatar components made for women. What people don't get is being a guy RL usually involves toughening up, suppressing emotion and getting on with the job and sometimes doing things that don't fit who you really are to fulfil your gender role and duties you must fulfil as a boss, father, provider, protector, and comrade to other men. For a lot of guys I can see they are hiding it and would love the freedom to be more like women are with their emotions without the fear of being judged unfavourably for it by other guys which is what sometimes happens. SL instantly breaks down all the societal norms and role expectations your born into for a while and allows exploration of who you really are.

This comment saddens me. In no way does a RL male have to be a tough, emotionless work-a-holic. I take care of my family. Have since I met my wife. I have cried, shown fear, sadness, joy, anger, depression, Hell I cry at Dumbo. Does that make me less of a man? Most people would say it makes me more of a man. Being able to show you are human is never a bad thing.

A lot of what you say in this post is thinking from the early 1900's. I think you will find many more men in RL that are open about their feelings nowadays.

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I hate to burst the bubble but struggle street working construction in a blue collar working class town in the 80's-90's wasn't for anything less than toughen up and take it on the chin and give back as good as you get. I don't want to say too much about that but it was my life. Your right things have gotten better but not all guys still get the luxury of it. I was thinking construction/ factory workers etc in that reply. so many guys still work in that mindset or had parents who did. SL for me was part of the road out of that horrible place into a kinder one. I hope that doesn't sound weird. Plenty of men are trapped in thier perceived societal norms.

 

Edit BTW I cry at half the movies it's embarrassing your not alone.

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chardonay Babii wrote:

I hate to burst the bubble but struggle street working construction in a blue collar working class town in the 80's-90's wasn't for anything less than toughen up and take it on the chin and give back as good as you get. I don't want to say too much about that but it was my life. Your right things have gotten better but not all guys still get the luxury of it. I was thinking construction/ factory workers etc in that reply. so many guys still work in that mindset or had parents who did. SL for me was part of the road out of that horrible place into a kinder one. I hope that doesn't sound weird. Plenty of men are trapped in thier perceived societal norms.

 

Edit BTW I cry at half the movies it's embarrassing your not alone.

That is a very small group of males.. And I in no way implied i was embarrassed to cry infront of people. Please don't think that it is.

Perhaps it is just the group of friends i have in and out of SL, the males show just as much emotion and feelings as anyone else. My father never cried.. I guess i'm just a freak.

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chardonay Babii wrote:

I'm sorry to hear that, I hope things work out better for you soon.

Thanks, but there are few things in life that provide a sense of accomplishment like finding that one is able to rise to the occasion and be an adult when called upon to do so.

Life can and for most at some point will be tough. And when you find the ball in your court, whether male or female, you better steel yourself for it. Women don't get to curl up in a ball and cry.

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Really replying to both you and Dillon here.  Dillon mentioned Torley and this is the full quote she was referring to:

"In my head, I've long heard varied voices that inform my life choices. They span a rich spectrum of genders, races, etc. It was only natural that I express them as avatars — earlier, I used the term "Torley Council", or there's that joke from some Resis, that when they see me, they go "It's a Torley!" Hahahaha.

I have a very strong female voice that emerges here. She encourages me to be more sensible and explanatory (I used to be terse and not all that social), and it feels 1000% natural to me. Not having that would feel strongly repressive, and so with SL as an outlet — or whatever you want to call it — I've been able to unify my personality and feel a lot healthier in both lives as a result.

It is a difficult thing that, while life in general appeals to a diversity of people, many people's interests are in conflict. This is also true in Second Life, and I continue to be a proponent of responsible disclosure in relationships that matter to you. On top of that, there's insecurity that people keep hidden, not to mention jealousy and other "demons" that drag someone down from acknowledging and living the life THEY really want... in the process they become control freaks trying to prevent OTHERS from feeling fulfilled, as Darrius initially mentioned.

The psychology of it intrigues me deeply. I just hope more people can come inworld and use Second Life as a tool of confronting hangups and dealing with their baggage, so they have healthier relationships with others. Not growing means not really living."

Torley

From:  Why Do People Want Your SL Gender To Match Your RL?

I stay very clear with others about my relationship status and desires. 

I'm in SL simply to enjoy being me.  My very closest friends in SL, we even know who each other is in RL.  Anyone outside of that circle it is none of their business.   

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  • 4 months later...

Sorry about the late reply but I was chatting to a friend hung up on her guys actions, and I said why not try being one for a while as a scial experiment for understanding. it sure enriches how you relate to people once you have walked in thier shoes for a while.

I think SL besides being fantsyland is an exploration of who you really are when you allow it to be, and you gain a greater understanding of yourself an others. I find it fascinating learning about others fantsies and how they are living them out.

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  • 5 months later...

Checking in as a guy whose avatar is a girl.

When I signed up and began playing, it was under the understanding that most of my play on here would be in third person. I didn't really much fancy the idea of staring at a dude's ass all the time, and that's pretty much how I do most rpgs. It's... changed, somewhat, from that. Not really in terms of a change, because that's still something that's a part of my SL experience, as a straight male, but more like there's a lot more added and evolved from that basic pattern.

 

I've realised that I'm far more comfortable with my Second Life than I am with my RL. I genuinely care about taking care of my avi, and I thoroughly enjoy shopping on SL (still hate it IRL). That and the fact that I'm kind of a feminine dude anyway... I just happily hit the realisation that I'm not a typical guy, and that I'm totally and completely ok with that. I've 'been me' all along. Never RPing as a girl, or trying to pickup/catfish dudes or anything. Just regular old me being regular old me in a female virtual body. As far as I can tell, nobody has picked up on me being a guy, but I would be sure to reveal all if it looked remotely like I could be helping someone out by doing so. I'm not fond of secrecy and lies and such, but I do want to keep SL separate from RL, so I just simply 'don't broadcast', as opposed to either hiding or immediately saying so. Obviously if I end up in some kind of situation where RL identity has any importance, then I'm going to be as barebones straight up frank about it as can be.

 

My avatar's 'personality' is as much me as my RL personality is. Nothing different, and it's 100% the full, genuine me. I avoid pronouns, and that's about it, preferring to use I/me/my in first person rather than slipping into third person where I'd have to say he/him/his/she/her/hers. Maybe one day I'll catch on that SL folk are generally quite accepting of people who look rather different from their avis in the gender department, and not be so avoidant.

 

The whole thing has pointed out to me a simple fact. I'm way much more of a girl than I ever thought, and I already thought I had a hell of a feminine side. It's all good, though. In a way, I have found a peace with my feminine side by accepting that it's a part of me, rather than being the unwelcome thing that disagrees when I wanna be all macho lol.

So yay me, I guess. I'm a lesbian dude, woo. My RL wife is happy, and loves dancing with my avatar, so I guess that's all that matters, really. It's a nice time all round.

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In the years I have been in world, I have always gone with the idea of not chatting with the person behind the keyboard, but with the person I see on screen.

Granted, there are males who will come in-world dressed as females, but can pull it off much the same way of females who come in as males.

SL is a virtual world, it's not real but to those who have an open mind and keep the idea they are socializing.with images, pixels. It's called "Second Life" for a reason. When I arrived, I did notice the shortage of male oriented items, some designed terribly. That would make it difficult for a male to come in and find decent looking clothing, hair, body's etc, but an abundance (over the top maybe) of female accessories. Fortunately, times are changing and more proper male gear is being introduced.

I know of some who place in their profile of being male in RL, but are able to dress quite nice in female and act the part almost seamless.

There are some who dress as females to score sex as there are in other fields (in RL and SL). One individual comes in this forum from time to time and basically says there are males dressed as females and adds an edge to the comment like someone hasn't figured that out. On the other hand, there are those who just come here to meet people and have fun.

Again, I fall back to my first line. You're chatting with the avi on screen, not the person behind the keyboard.

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On 19/05/2016 at 8:41 PM, Perrie Juran said:

I've been looking at this thread and decided to turn the question around a little.  And also to upgrade the terms a bit.

Why Wouldn't A Man Want To Live As A Woman in SL?

You can stretch this question a bit more.

Why do people see everything in secondlife that's different as not normal, strange,weird or worse  There enough people sadly that see virtual life as real life and not like a place to escape real life and be who you want or how you feel.

This topic is valid for more avatar types.

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I have a female alt.   I originally brought her inworld as a "tester" when I was making clothing - as I wanted to see how my unisex designs would look before releasing the items into the wild.   After a while, she became more of a sociology experiment.    I got to see first hand how women in SL are treated.   I dressed her normally (a proper top and jeans) and would just take her around to some of the most popular places.  Her profile was filled with info from my RL wife - just no RL photo or mention of RL age.

TBH, I was shocked at the number of IMs (many of questionable intent) she'd receive if I just sat her in a public place for any length of time.   Everything from "Hi, Haven't seen you around. Are you new?"...  or " you wanna be my girlfriend?"  to "Hey baby, wanna f**k?".   Even to this day, if I log her in and just have her standing around silently on a public sim, there will be a few IMs from males with sexual intent.  

My unscientific conclusions??  

1) if you want to be taken seriously as an avi... be involved.   She got a lot more friendly responses when she was involved in local (non-voice) chat than not.    

2) males that live in two nations are total horndogs -- the majority of the sleazy come-ons sent to the alt came from males who's profile claimed them being from Brazil or Italy.

Its also helped ME learn to treat all others with more kindness and respect.   And isn't that what all of us really want?  

 

-Vox  

 

 

 

Edited by Vox Mullen
edited for typos
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